Making Impossibilities into A World Of Possibilities.

Just a quick post. Just got done with my first class for the new semester and I am happy like a 3 year old receiving his first lollypop. I did the last assesment before I am able to go do the GED Test so I can get my GED and get to college. I needed atleast 2250 min/ 2750 max pts in order to pass the GED. Well, on the assesment I scored 2610 which is higher then I thought I would score. I AM SOO EXCITED! Ive been doing the GEd program for about 3 years now and a couple of months ago I found out about this class I never knew existed (the one im in now). Now that I know how I am going to score on the GED, I am happy to say that I may just be on my way to college alot sooner then I thought.

GED, here I come lol

Pulling Back From What I Shouldn’t

Tonight was a rather unsuccessful night. With my friend and her boyfriend all over each other and another friend of ours just bored shitless I decided on checking out a gay bar I had never been to, 616. Now my main reason for going here was because I wanted to check it out. Ive always been interested in any kind of man because I don’t discriminate against age or appearance. And this bar was full of gorgeous older men and other men. My friends told me that they all felt like we were the youngest here…which it looked that way. But what keeps me from persueing anything is this utterly, helluva thing I have called being shy. I don’t know if I have a fear of rejection since most of my life I have felt rejected whether it was at school or at home. I don’t know if I have something psychologically wrong with me or what not but its like extremely hard for me to go up to a guy and say hi. But, when a guy comes up to me and strikes up a conversation I studder and after a time if he stays theirs a conversation. Because im only shy at first and afterward, im like a motor mouth with humor bits. The bar itself was super small but a nice atmosphere I just felt really bored after awhile. What kind of shocked me was that they had porn on the TV’s outside on the patio. I have never been to a club that actually shows gay porn (not softcore but hardcore). I thought it abit tacky in this kind of scene. But whatever, some things you just gotta take in stride.

To those who commented in my last post thank you for your kind words. I may not know you but your words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. I have my ups and downs like everyone else. I just get seriously lonely. No one even talks to me at school which is another kick in the balls but whatever. Life for me at this moment is complicated and sluggish. And being shy doesn’t help either.

Pulling back from what I shouldn’t is not a way to live.

Some days like these I feel left out more then others. This is the first day in a long time I have felt very very lonely to the point where I feel like my life is nothing but a fragment of what I use to be. With everyone around me moving so fast and myself not moving but staring wondering why… Depression to me is like an evil being that tugs at my heart. Sometimes I feel like running away and finding my life somewhere else. Because of where I live and how my life is right now I feel closed and claustrophobic. As I curl in bed wondering and pondering where I will go what I will do and if I can do it, pondering is all its is. i just feel the world is on my case to do something with my life even though my life doesnt feel like anything. alone i am with my tears, in the million year swell that i am. and to cuddle with the feline it feels so wrong because of what i cant have and what i need. With these four walls closing in and my life crawling slowly, my world just seems

not so here

Well tonight I really enjoyed myself. My friend Tasha, whom I haven’t talked to in about 2 weeks because her boyfriend has been demanding as hell, decided it was our night out. So… she picks me up and I was rushing to get dressed *which I was impressed because I looked good*. We headed to McDonald’s to get something to eat quick because I was starving and hadn’t eaten anything all day. I basically spent the whole morning reading a great book and drinking water most of the day. I wasn’t fasting or anything, I was just really into the book.

Anyway we made our way to one of the local bars “Dave’s Place”. We played about 3 rounds of pool before we sat down at one of the coin machines to play a couple of puzzle games. They were having a poker game going on but we were more interested in spending time with each other. Afterward we got back in the car and she found out her boyfriend called her like 6 times *that’s not even a lot for him*. He was concerned as to where she was, who she was with that sorta thing. Now I don’t have a problem with him because I find that hes a great guy besides him drinking way to much, doing cocaine once in awhile, smoking, jealous, and overprotective (god… did I get everything???). But besides all that I like him. Hes cute for a Brazilian but I think if he were gay and I was dating him… we wouldn’t have lasted that long. I really don’t like guys who are overtly jealous and too overprotective. I get enough of that shit from my parents.

Anywho she called him and asked what was up. The friend he was suppose to be hanging out with that night bailed on him and he was at home alone. So she asked if he wanted to be picked up. She asked me if he could come and I said I was cool with it. Afterward she opened up a pack of supersmooth cigarettes and lit one up. Now I don’t know if you know this or not but I actually use to smoke myself and I haven’t smoked since I was 18. When she did that I was craving for one sooo bad. So I asked her and she gave me one, I had 2 more later on that night. I know smoking is bad for you but I figure you can indulge once in a blue moon. Just as long as you don’t do it everyday but other people may think differently. So we pick him up and hes playing on his cellphone and I make a comment about something beeping and asked him if that was his penis making sounds. He laughed and said no because of how he was playing on his phone *it was on his crotch*. Anywho we decided we would visit the adult toy store.

Now let me tell you guys something, I really enjoy going to adult toy stores because im a very very sexual person and the topic of sex to me, is a very interesting subject. People think that talking about sex is rude and should be private but I am not at all private about my sex life, just private about it with my parents…somewhat. Anyway lol, we walked in and there were some hot n sexy guys who were working there and I just smiled because I was soo damn shy. We start looking around in the store and I walk to the gay section and there’s a guy there with two movies. I smile at him, he smiles back. I so wanted to say “whatcha looking for” but that would have been too slutty and too forward and at that moment, I was shy as shit. He was about 6 feet, slim, maybe 35, white, BLUE EYES, and sexy. I was trying not to jump him and dry hump him like the person in my head was telling me to do but I just decided to leave it. Meeting a guy in a toy store for me seemed abit tacky, but its open for exploring.

We were there for about 10 mins until we left and went to UBC (University Billiards Club). We were there for a couple of hours, I had 2 drinks (Smirnoff n 7/7 are my fav), a couple of games,look at sexy guys, and enjoy those last 2 cigs. After the last cig I got little light headed but that passed quickly. I come home and that was my night.

Satisfied, yes indeedy.

Sometimes I feel life is always throwing obstacles one way or another. One obstacle is one that (not I) but others have had since I was in the 1st grade. Now let me explain something about myself. Ever since I was younger I was really skinny. I mean boney skinny, my parents were afraid I was going to have health problems. But then I started gaining weight and then it never stopped. I was always teased by kids all my life about my weight but after awhile I just didn’t give a shit.

It has taken me years to understand that I am big, beautiful, and curvy and I love myself. If I want to loose weight its because I want to, not because of people telling me otherwise. There may be many guys out there who see me and think im disgusting but baby, you just don’t know how beautiful I am in and out. If my singing voice doesn’t catch you or that my passion doesn’t snag at your heart then your a superficial freak and all I can say is, your just like everyone else and you will never know true love until that veil is lifted.

Curvy and Sexy since 1987.

Angel

Wow… last night was huge.

Ok well, it started off with me laying down *nude* watching a movie or trying to watch a movie because I was sleepy as hell and not falling asleep. When… someone knocked on my door. Come to find out, the person behind the door was my mother. Ok let me explain something here. My mother and I have a good relationship, both of my parents. But in the rare occasions (which is like once every two years) she actually comes to my room to have a talk. Last night for me, was an eye opener.

Since coming out to my parents my mother seems to be the one who is most affected. So when she came into my room it surprised me when she told me that she was thinking about moving the family back to new york. I was speechless because I had plans in the future moving there once I got my life in order but I never thought it would be so soon. She explained that once we got our financial situation in order that she was thinking about moving there. She was also thinking about selling the house and moving into an old folks community. I asked her about why she wanted to move back to new york since she moved us from there when I was young. She was missing her sisters who live in New York and she wanted us to be around Family (all of my dad’s family lives up there). She feels like I am lonely here (which is true). So all I could do to tell her was that moving to new york was a great idea but something we would have to do when our present financial situation is cleared. About her selling the house and moving to an old folks community, I told her whatever she thinks plausible I will agree on.

And then we started talking about my fiance who passed away a few days before my 19th birthday. She wanted to know how I met him and what not, just details here and there. Then she started spewing about the religion and bible crap which I just ignored (ive become really good at that). And then she started asking me about why I decided on becoming gay. I had to explain to her that being gay is not a decision, its how we are born. The only decision we have is being true to ourselves and living life happy or not and living a life of loneliness. She still thinks its a choice but I told her I understand what shes saying. She and my dad are not too hot about having a gay son but atleast, I still live at home and they still love me. I can say that I am lucky. Will I ever tell my brother I am gay, no. I believe the relationship between me and my brother is such a medium as it is that my personal life is none of his business. Hopefully in the future my parents will feel better about my being gay… only time can tell. In the end I actually don’t really care because after last night, my flame burns brighter then ever.

ey bloggers,

Excuse me if I don’t exactly post alot today but I have just not been in the mood for anything. I don’t know if its my depression or whatever I just don’t know. I don’t know if I told anyone but I have been diagonosed with depression ever since I was about 13. Some people don’t really see it until I tell them I have it. People have told me that I seem very cheerful but that I guess is their opinion. I mean I am not depressed everyday its just that there are days that I just feel I cannot get by them quick enough. So I find what I call a medium on those days.

I may or may not have spoken about this but this is the 3rd year I lost my fiance and I still talk about it because it makes me feel better about it. I truthfully believe we as a people, never get over those we have lost. Especially, if they were ones we loved. I may say to people I am over the situation but truthfully I still mourn my ex fiance till this day, just not as bad as I use to. I find that we truely never get over the ones we love, we just continue to live our lives remembering what was and be thankful that life brought you two together.

Anywho, wow I thought this was going to be a sort post but I guess my mind is allowing me to type today. School is on hold for the meantime (winter break). I am at a big crossroads as to what the hell I want to do with my life. After I acheive my GED I want to go to college, but for what? For money, for love, or for an interest. My love would have to be writing and singing. While my interest would be a library (im there a hulluva lot). And for the money would have to be going to school to become a radiology tech. Which path am I suppose to choose?! I have no clue as to what I want to do. I want to follow my dreams and passions but it doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere. I don’t want to give up at this at all. So maybe I should just take a few classes at the local community college until I make my mind up. Because giving up is not what I do. Its like going cold turkey on life, and thats just not acceptable.

Well moving on, I am still alone as alone can be. Atleast I have people I can speak to like my friend (ryan). I haven’t spoken to my friend since thursday last week. The girl ditched me for her boyfriend about 3 times, wtf is that! I don’t know what to think about this girl. We’ve been friends for about 4 years and it seems that she is always doing something to either piss me off or feel im not worth her time. Especially when shes in a relationship. I just dont like being brushed off and brought back in after shes been dumped or has left the person. Truthfully I feel like a third wheel and not a friend. But shes literally the only person outside of my house I talk to. I don’t really know anyone else. I guess when I go to college I will meet people, who knows.

Only time will tell,

Angel

No I don’t mean the television show about lesbians and their lives. I am actually talking about the one thing in life that everyone needs, even myself… love. Its been 3 years since my fiance has passed and since then, I still feel alone. I have had dates here and there but it seems the only thing people want from me is sex. Why in the hell does it take so long to find someone who will atleast be there for me, without the sex. I mean it just seems that every guy I meet theres sex in his eyes. I don’t know if its because they find me attractive only for sex or is it because thats all they think I am good for. Sometimes I just feel left out of the mix.

Truthfully when it comes to finding someone I always keep an open mind. Im not about making lists or any of that bull because you can find the most amazing people in the most least of places. I just wish my life was alittle bit more of an adventure instead of standing in the waiting line for mr.next. I mean I know I am awesome in more ways then I can count but it just seems that trying to find a guy is turning out to be a headache. I just hope that someone comes along to swoop me off my feets and woo me, yes I said woo me. But I will just have to wait in the big long ass dating line hoping my number gets called.

Being alone is a bitch.

Well today was a very eventful day, if you call having to be in the hospital at 630 in the morning. Seeing as I have restarted this blog so many damn times that I might as well delve into the man that is my dad. My dad has been sick since I was born. Suffering from congested heart failure, asthma, diabetes,an enlarged heart, and being overweight he has never been a very healthy man. Ive seen pictures of him when he got married to my mom when they were in their mid 20’s (he was very athletic looking). He actually gained weight because he got sick and had to be on (prenozone) for about 20 years (which made him gain weight like crazy). But ever since I was little I have always seen my dad coming in and out of the hospital. So today we had to go to the hospital super early in the morning and stupid me, I had about an hour of sleep. Basically my dad was going to the hospital to get a defibrillator for his heart because he has an enlarged heart and he has had heart-attacks in the past.

I have a question to ask because I feel out of place when I think about it. Is it cold for me not to feel anything when my dad goes into the hospital? My brother called me cold because I am not as emotional about my dad going into the hospital. I had to explain to him that the reason why I am not as emotional as him is because when I was growing up, it was normal for him to go into the hospital. And by him going into the hospital so many times I grew a thick skin. I mean I remember when I was a little kid I use to cry about it but now adays, it doesnt phase me. But this is where I feel conflicted because I don’t know if its thick skin or am I really cold? My dad says that the reason I am this way is because my mom, when I was little, always went to my brother for emotional support and not me but I don’t think that’s the deal. I think its because it happens to many times that ive just grown accustomed to it. Personally, I think its just me being strong for my family. Because as a kid I came to the understand that I could lose my dad any day, any hour from now, or even a few mintues from now. So maybe I am just thick skinned, but atleast I wear my heart on my shoulder and I am glad I do.

Well we were at the hospital today until about 130 because my brother called my mother and I. He has been having car troubles for about a week now and now he said his car wasnt working again so we had to pick him up because he was going to work at around 3pm. Anywho thats been my day today, fun ain’t it! -_-

I just love being jaded by people.

I will start off with the first person on the list and that would be my friend (who I will name soldier girl). I met soldier girl at a local bar doing kareoke through my best friend. Now I must say that when I met this girl and her sister I fell in love with them. They were such awesome, real people that I just wanted to get to know them so much more. In the beginning it was great. We went out maybe once a week or every other week doing karaoke and just enjoying each others company. I would talk to soldier girl over the phone maybe 3 times a week or less depending on her work schedule. And then there was nothing.

I have not received a phone call since the halloween party or even a messaging saying that it was fun having me there. It just seems that latey she has gone off the grid and didn’t even bother calling me to say happy birthday to me which kind of hurt since it was my 21st. I can understand that all of her other friends have working vehicles or jobs when I don’t have either. That I am not even financially capable I can understand whats going on. But it just seems that I am trying to make the relationship work and she just isnt trying. I don’t know what to do.

And then theres Mark. Not marky mark but mark. We talked over the phone for about 2 months before we actually met. I have to say, I had a better time over the phone then in person. I loved alot of things about him but evendently it just seemed as if I wasn’t good enough for him that he just decided to stop calling or even letting me know he was alive. He then tells me that I am not his type and thats why he stopped calling me. I found this all very funny seeing as I was just only looking for a friend while I guess he was looking for boyfriend material. Anywho, right now I feel kind of left out of his life. With not being able to see him since he lives all the way in middleburg and I in Jax, distance is not good between us. Plus it also sucks when he is in town but never stops by to say hi. I just feel that I got to know him really well and then as soon as he met me, everything changed for the worse. I know I am a big boy and ive overweight but hell, that shouldn’t hinder anyone from communicating. I don’t know if hes shallow or what not but I just kind of feel jaded in the end because hes not making the effort.

Personally, I feel kim is a friend since she does once in awhole say hey but Mark, not so much. I just think the relationship we had over the phone was awesome and once we met, he obviously didn’t like what he saw. Oh well, I know im not eye candy but with my rockin personality, charm, and average looks I like im a beautiful person.

So fuck others who don’t think so.

Angel